Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon sucks. Here’s why.

Jimmy Fallon is like that guy you knew in high school who wanted to be a comedian but just wasn’t funny. He tried really hard and people felt bad for him and laughed a little, but everyone knew he would end up working some job in sales or retail. Somehow, though (through sucking Lorne Michaels peener) he got a gig on SNL. And then, even more crazily (through sucking that peener again) he got to take over the nightly show of awful comedy that was once the domain of previous sucker Jay Leno.

Here’s the thing about you, Jimmy Fallon. You’re not funny. You were never funny. You were never even endearing. People smiled and nodded because they felt bad, like you feel bad for the person who has no friends and a lisp and a widow’s peak so you smile and nod, but you were never funny. You are nothing more than a pathetic stand-in for a man who was never funny himself. You are a shadow of a shadow. Soon, very soon, no one will remember your name.

Jimmy Fallon, you suck.

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt Sucks. Here’s Why.

Brad Pitt, with his slinky long hair, and he’s boyish grin, looks like he should be a porn star and not an actor. And that is because that is in fact what he is. He’s a strangely athletic, pathetic little man who thinks that flailing around and reading your lines in the same thing as acting. Yes, he gets to have sex with one of the most attractive woman on the planet, and yes, he gets to show up as the hero in movie after movie after movie. But does he deserve this? No. No he does not. This is because Brad Pitt is the Cameron Diaz of Male Actors (Editors Note: Write future post on Cameron Diaz). By which I mean, of course, that Brad Pitt is pleasant to look at, but there’s not much there. Brad, you’re a hottie; this is undeniable. But being hot and being a good actor are not the same thing. Here’s what you need to do, my friend. Move to the hills, get into porn, and start a real career.

Brad Pitt, you suck.

Vince Vaughn

Vince Vaughn sucks. Here’s why.

Most people chronicled on this page only sort of suck. Not Vince Vaughn, though. Vince Vaughn majorly sucks. If there was a category for sucking at the Oscars, Vince Vaughn would not only win, he would be the only contender. That’s the league of suckiness Vince Vaughn is in. Why, you ask, does Vince Vaughn suck so much? Well, since you haven’t been privy to the worst dozen movies of the twenty-first century, let me tell you why: The Dilemma, Couples Retreat, Four Christmases, Fred Claus. Need I go on? Mister Vaughn cannot seem to make a movie that does not scrape the bottom of the barrel. This is no coincidence. It is because Mister Vaughn is an awful actor. Hey, Vince. Talking really fast isn’t the same thing as acting. Really, it’s not. And it doesn’t help that you put on weight and lose charisma with every new “role” you take on. You are a mid-life has been who never really was and (if the universe is truly just) well never be again. Honestly, if the universe was truly just, we would never be forced to watch your awful movies on airplanes and buses, and we all know that’s not gonna happen. The very worst movies make it to in-flight entertainment, and the very worst movies all happen to include you. Please, for the sake of everyone who wants to go to movies and not feel like they have to vomit afterward, quick acting and take up a profession you’d be more suited for, like trash collection.

Vince Vaughn, you suck.

Jay Leno

Jay Leno sucks.  Here’s why.

Jay Leno has been sucking up the airways for too many years to recall now.  I am not sure what Jay Leno‘s target demographic is, but I assume it’s three guys in Wyoming who like a little laugh before they have sex with their sheep.  The man is incredibly unfunny (his humor is painful, and is probably the primary reason why we are not contacted by intelligent life from other planets).  Don’t get me wrong: I have nothing against ugly, annoying, incredibly unfunny people.  For some reason, I just think ugly, annoying, incredibly unfunny people shouldn’t be the face of late night TV on (what was once) a major network.  He is also a pretentious jerkoff, who thinks he can push around people who, just because they haven’t been around as long as he has and are far funnier than he.  The saddest part is, Jay Leno, because you work for a deuche of a network (whose executives probably like to have a little laugh at night before they have sex with their sheep), you always seem to get your way?  Why, Jay Leno, why?  Please, for the sake of all us sane unmoronic folks in America, take one of your classic cars and ride off into the sunset.

Jay Leno, you suck.

Luke Wilson

Luke Wilson sucks.  Here’s why.

Luke Wilson used to be a good actor.  Or that’s what we thought.  It turned out, he was just a crappy actor who was in a lot of “good” movies (read “movies white indie wannabe hipsters like”).  But then something sad happened.  Luke Wilson stopped being a twenty-something good looking actor riding his brother’s coattails.  Now, Luke Wilson is a fat* slobbish looking thirty-something guy who can’t get a job in a movie and is hawking a crappy overpriced phone for a third rate company for a living.  On the other hand, Luke Wilson, you’ve been good for one thing – you’ve shown stupid white indie wannabe hipsters that their hipster idols are often more pathetic than they are.  Good job, Luke Wilson.  Good job indeed.

Luke Wilson, you suck.

*I was going to link to a picture of an animated pig here, but I figured a pic of the actual Luke Wilson would be far more embarrassing.

Bob Dylan

(Editor’s Note: I can already see the hate mail pouring in for this one)

Bob Dylan sucks.  Here’s why.

Dylan’s got a bad voice.  We all know that.  It’s part of his “charm“.  Just like it’s part of Cameron Diaz‘s charm that she can’t act (editor’s note: future blog post should be on Cameron Diaz).  But ok, let’s look past the voice.  Which is painfully grating and harsh.  And unpleasant.  Bob Dylan spent his whole life trying to be someone he isn’t.  That’s fine, if you’re an Ad Man in 1960’s America, but if you want to pretend you come from the other side of the tracks and use that to elicit a false pretension, if you want to sleep your way to the top and then drop all the people and things that let you get there, if you want to write an autobiography of your life in which you claim that all your monumental music is crap, but we should take it as monumental anyway, that’s fine with us, Robert Zimmerman.  But it’s why you are a bad person.   It is why you suck.

Bob Dylan, you suck.

Ivanka Trump

Ivanka Trump Sucks.  Here’s why.

Ok, we get it.  You’re a Trump.  And now you’re married and you’re Jewish.  Good for you – welcome to the Tribe.  But, come on, stop trying to pretend you’re anything but a spoiled little rich girl.  You only are where you are because of who your father is (a huge dick) and you’re not doing anyone any favors by writing things in your Twitter feed like “Don’t know if I should wait in the line at Whole Foods today.” Come on.  We all know you don’t need to wait in the line at Whole Foods.  You can have one of your servants to it for you.  Or your servants servants.

Enjoy Yom Kippur, Bitch.

Ivanka Trump, you suck.

Ringo Starr

Editors Note: You’ve been waiting for this one, world, haven’t you.

Ringo Starr Sucks.  Here’s why.  Ringo has made a career (does he even do anything anymore?) by being the fourth man in a four man band.  The drummer.  But ok, let’s grant that drummers are “necessary” to provide the beat for good music.  Even so, Ringo Starr shouldn’t have been the Beatle’s drummer.  That honor should have gone to Pete Best (who perhaps wins the loser of the millenium award, just beating out Art Garfunkel).  But suave, saavy Ringo Starr stole Pete Best’s job, leaving the poor Best man behind to soak in the Beatle’s new fame.  Then the Beatles die out.  Ringo’s career should be over.  After all, he’d only written two songs, and, come on, let’s face it, Ringo baby, they were both pretty silly.  Who’d want to hang out in an Octopus’s Garden?   Do Octopus’s even have gardens?  No, your career isn’t over, is it, Ringo?  You go on to have a successful career as a tiny railroad conductor, and various other cartoon voices, and develop a band of your own, which really consisted of nothing more than a bunch of has beens who only got together with you in the first place because of the aura of John Lennon, George Harrison, and Paul McCartny that surrounded you.  All because you can hit a stick to a little drum, and because you elbowed out a good guy and took his place.  Shame on you, Ringo.

Ringo Starr, you suck.

Antarctica

Antarctica sucks.  Ok, so Antarctica isn’t technically a person.  So sue me.  (Editor’s note: Don’t sue me).  But we are sick and tired, Antarctica, of seeing sentences like this one: “People read this blog on 6 continents!” and this one: “stocks rallied and some banks returned to profit, a Bloomberg survey of users on six continents showed.“and this one: The Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater has performed for an estimated 21 million people in 48 states, as well as 71 countries on six continents.”  Where’s that 7th continent, huh?  Where’s the slacker continent?  You know who I’m talking about, Antarctica.  It’s you.  While the other continents are out there pushing their weight around, contributing to society, what are you doing?  I’ll tell you what you’re doing: Melting!  What a sore loser.  Yeah, if you can’t play the game, you should get out of the water.  Stop calling yourself a continent, and own up that you’re just a sad land mass with nothing better to do than wait around until somebody gets rid of you.

Antarctica, you suck.

Nathan Englander

Nathan Englander sucks. Here’s why. Englander wrote a couple of short stories a couple decade back, and a couple of them were pretty good. They got turned into a book, and suddenly Englander was a superstar. People were literally salivating over him, his hair, his looks, and his writing. He got a million dollar contract on a novel. And then – nothing happened. Englander disappeared. Meanwhile, the world went on, and everyone pretty much forgot about him. Then, last year, Englander published a novel. It sucked. Let’s not mince words. But worse, Englander not only failed to acknowledge that it sucked, that, while he might be a good short story writer, he cannot sustain a multi-chapter novel (or any work, for that matter, over about two dozen pages), he actually congratulated himself for taking a decade to produce a piece of crap. He has so lost himself in the cave he’s been living in for the past decade that he actually claims he didn’t do this for himself. He did it for us. Thanks, Nathan, but you can keep your crap. When you have something good to give us, we’re more than ready for it.

Nathan Englander, you suck.